Nothing Rhymes with Poetry...

This coming June, / I'll turn thirty-five.
I'm grateful and thankful / and happy with life.

But that number sounds / just.so.god.damn.old.
It has become such a truly / frightening thing to behold.

So I made a list / of thirty-five goals
to accomplish before / the next New Year's bell tolls.

One of the goals / on my formidable list
is to raise money for charity, / but offer a twist.

To sweeten the pot / and make money flow:
for $5 or more, / I'll write you a poem.

It will just-barely rhyme / but will come from my heart,
with a childish tone, / ... A true a work of art!

Please try to donate / I humbly plead;
and bring some fresh water / to people in need.

POEM FOR THE LYONS'
Lindsay's got style, / And beauty and class.
Ron's got a beard / And kicks tons of ass.

He's harsh, crass, and loud, /And a little obscene,
But I call him "Rhonda" / Just to be mean.

He was probably a pirate, / In his past life.
And he's fuckin' lucky / To have Linds for a wife.

POEM FOR THE CLINE FAMILY
She came upon a broken robot, / Once upon a time.
Wandering through the snowy woods, / Rogue maiden Sarah Cline.

The robot beeped and blipped, / Its form of robo-crying.
A gaping hole where its heart should be, / Obvious it was dying.

“Frick, darn, dangit,” she cursed out loud, / “Pee and also poo!”
Settling down and gathering wits, / She knew just what to do.

Out she flung her needles, / And a bit of yarn as well.
With the robot losing power, / She knit like holy hell.

Soon she had a brand new heart, / Made with fury and love.
She placed it in the robot’s hole, / And it fit just like a glove.

The robot soon recovered, / Healed with knit and purl.
Sealed with stitches solid and true, / That never would unfurl.

POEM FOR PAPA & KIKI
Secret Agent P / Runs through forest floors of green,
Traversing fields of corn and wheat / Rarely being seen.

He creeps upon his prey and shouts / Giving a mighty scare.
But before they can turn around, / He vanishes in thin air.

For decades he’s unleashed his wrath / Upon victims unsuspecting,
Men, women, children and pets, / He’s unbiased and unrelenting.

Then one day he’s munching, / On chips with nacho cheese
When all at once a mighty HOWL / Brings him to his knees.

Overpowered and overcome / Someone over-sneaked his sneak.
Agent P was finally defeated / By Secret Agent Kik!

POEM FOR KATHY GRAY
What’s that glowing in the distance? / A building set aflame!
She stands out from crowds of strangers, / But no one knows her name.

She plucks a blade of grass / And held betwixt two thumbs,
She plays a whistling melody / Until they start to come.

Scores of dogs come running, / But all are rather small.
They escape unharmed from the fire / Because they heard her call.

On four legs with tails wagging, / With claws all clickity-clack.
She leads those dogs to safety / Without ever looking back.

And so the dogs stay with her / Best friends still to this day,
Their master and their savior, / Their hero: Kathy Gray.

POEM FOR BABS MARTINO
Walking home alone / After her shift as a nurse,
Martino got a shock / When a thief grabbed her purse.

The thief was quick / To slink back in the night;
But Martino was quicker / And held on to it tight.

“Hey lady, back off / Or I’ll pummel you one.
You don’t want to fight me, / ‘Cause I’ve got a gun.”

“Go on, punk” she sneered, / “Make my day, fool!”
Then she knocked him out cold, / With a plate of Fagioli.

POEM FOR LORINDA DREILING
Galloping horse / Through meadows a-bloom,
A gathering torrent / A sick sense of doom.
Like a tornado / Headed her way,
Moving so fast / She can't get away.
Bearing upon her / The large mass draws near,
Kicking up dust / and her level of fear.
A whole herd of beasts / The mass had become,
With sparkling smiles / hats, boots, and guns.
Faint and perspiring, / swept off her feet.
Who would have known / They'd be what she'd meet?
Heart all a-flutter / with unspeakable joy.
She rode into the sunset / with her flock of cowboys.

POEM FOR JEFF, ANNA, EMILY, and "COMING SOON" WALKER
Jeph, Anna & Emily, / so happy each day,
with their family of three / (and one on the way).

They struggled to settle / on the new baby's name.
When Emily jumped up / and said, "Let's play a game!"

"You like chess, Daddy, / I'll give it a try.
But I think if you beat me / I may start to cry."

With the board dusted off, / and the pieces all set,
Em said, "Hang on Dad, / I'll make you a bet...

Though you're almost a pro, / and I'm just a beginner,
the new baby's name / should be picked by the winner."

And so it was agreed / and both hands were shook.
They put on poker faces, / And the game was afoot.

She took both rooks & a bishop, / then four pawns in succession.
"Pay attention, Dad, / I'm gonna teach you a lesson."

But Jeph was unfazed / for he's the chess master.
His counter was swift, / but Miss Em's was faster.

After a few minutes, / Jeph's face looked a-fright.
His queen was just taken / by Emily's last knight.

"That's check-mate, BITCH! / You lost fair and square!
And my new sister's name / is MINE to declare!"

Jeph was exasperated, / "Wait, let's play again!"
"Oh HELL no, you lost, / and I'm naming her Jen!"

And like that it hit him / with a thunderous KA-POW.
Then the four year old yawned / and said, "Emily fun gao."

POEM FOR ANONYMOUS
Climbing up the launching pad / on a clear and perfect night.
She straps on her rocket boosters, / and preps for her first flight.

She pushes many buttons, / and flips all kinds of switches.
She looks around at nods, / "See ya later, bitches!"

She takes off with hellish speed, / her stomach flipping flops,
approaching the tallest buildings, / and soaring past the tops.

Through the clouds and far beyond, / peeking down below,
waving bye to planet earth, / and pondering where she'll go.

She stops first at the moon, / and grabs some lunar rocks.
She puts some in her pockets, / and stuffs some in her socks.

She's swinging on Orion's belt, / and with a twisting-double-flipper,
she lands with a gigantic splash, / in the mouth of the big dipper.

She gives Saturn's rings a shove. / hopscotches Jupiter's moons.
Then sticks a giant trident / in the surface of Neptune.

She visits little Pluto / in the boonies on it's own,
abolished from our galaxy, / and feeling so alone.

She's called to more adventures, / beyond The Milky Way.
She leaves to explore the universe, / but might return some day.

POEM FOR NACHO LIBRE
Strapping on his mask / and lacing up the boots,
Through his eye holes he can see / his opponent Massive Toots.

He breathes to calm his nerves, / and glares with deadly glee.
Hands poised in a tiger claw, / and couching at the knee.

He smirks and licks his lips. / Confident thumb in his direction.
"I'll punch you in the nalgas!" / With venomous inflection.

With a blast, the fight begins. / No hesitation, doubt, or slip.
Crashing, wrestling, grappling, / to get a better grip.

An opportunity arises, / to get the upper hand.
He thrusts his fingers forcefully, / in Toots' underwear band.

His fingers lock in moments, / his hands like solid steel.
He yanks with all his strength and might, / deafened by Toots' squeal.

Massive Toots groans and whimpers, / falls unconscious on his side.
Wicked Wedgie is victorious / and his arm is raised with pride.